When You Think You Just Know Better…
It was a typical Saturday morning at yoga class, students packing in like sardines. There I was, weaving between mats after grabbing a block when what I call my ‘teacher’ aspect popped up, making a grab for my inner wheel.
The trigger: there were a half-dozen people standing in the back of the studio looking for a place to roll out their mat, no obvious spaces left. My inner ‘teacher’ could instantly see both problem and solution. The space holds five rows and there were currently only four; the people in the third row just needed to move their mats up or back three feet to make room for the missing row. Super simple.
I bit my lips shut and kept moving, reminding myself about all of the opportunities for growth that I might have quashed by telling those people what to do. What if a student was just working up the courage to be bold enough to ask someone to move? What if another was working on self-awareness and needed the chance to realize that they were taking up two rows of space? Maybe another was judging himself harshly for arriving late and need to stand in an uncomfortable spot in order to hear their own thoughts. Could I let go and just give other people the dignity of their own process? As I plopped down on my mat, the (actual) teacher called out, “Introduce yourself to your neighbor, share one thing that you are struggling with today.”
Not coincidentally, my neighbor happened to be a fellow teacher I’d hit it off with a few weeks earlier. “My ‘teacher’ aspect won’t be quiet,” I shared, playfully disgruntled, “I so want to micromanage the floor right now.”
She laughed, “Oh I know, I have trouble turning my teacher off, too! I think about new curriculum at night and am constantly telling people right and wrong, drives my husband crazy.”.
Immediately I felt more relaxed, able to lay back and settle onto my mat, knowing I wasn’t alone in this teacher-y struggle. While the yoga teacher called out for students in the middle to make room for another row, I set the intention to embrace my inner teacher aspect more fully.
As I moved through the familiar asanas, I asked my teacher part to tell me more about why she wanted to tell people what to do, then listened with loving ears as she listed all of her reasons. She took me back to my early childhood where I used to line up my stuffed animals and play ‘school’. I was fourth in a row of five, and according to my mom, I’d been quite upset that my three older siblings got to go off to school everyday while I had to stay home with the baby. My older sister would come home and teach me everything she’d learned that day. She’d taught me to read when I was four. I had a voracious love of learning and a burning need to feel included with my older siblings.
But at some point, my desire to keep up with my siblings had taken a turn. They began name-calling; ‘stupid’, ‘baby’, ‘pest’, and ‘idiot’. They ran from me or slammed doors in my face whenever I tried to join them. I formed a deep belief that I was dumb, and that if I could just learn enough to prove I was smart enough, maybe they would like me again.
There followed a series of memories where I’d been publicly teased or laughed at for making a mistake. Times where I’d felt deeply embarrassed or mortified. This teacher part had formed to save me and others from hurt, humiliation, and, ultimately, exclusion. It wasn’t safe not to know. It was safer to know, to be smart, and to do things the ‘right’ way in order to fit in.
Seeing how this part of me had such loving intentions allowed me to flood myself with compassion. This part had really had my back. Now that I know that it’s Ok to make mistakes, that we’re all just learning and growing, I no longer need to tell other people how to do things. And since I know I belong on the soul level, I no longer need to try to appear that I know everything in order to fit in. From now on, I can relax and let other people learn for themselves. Whew! Feels so good.
Do you have an aspect that needs to feel smart in order to feel safe?
Much Love, joy, and vibrant freedom